Special Edition: Bottom Three

Part Two of the epic TGTBTU auto post! What is soon to follow are three of my absolutely least liked cars, so let's kick off at #3...

#3
Bugatti Veyron Super Sport
$2,700,000

Before I get bombarded with hate-comments, let me first say that I really do appreciate the immense contributions that this car has made to the automotive world. It rightly held the title of "World's Fastest Production Car" for a hot moment, and when it came out it was packed near bursting with jaw dropping figures and tech. Any car that can breeze along to 268 mph is indeed a fine example of cutting edge design and innovation. However, my qualms with this car mostly lie in the way that it looks. If somebody told me to sit down and draw up what I thought the "World's Fastest Production Car" would look like, I'd come up with something like the Koenigsegg Agera R or the Pagani Huayra. Something sharp, something wicked, something that people gave a wide berth to even standing still, because they would be afraid it might come to life and chew off their legs. The Bugatti is fat, bulbous and soft, all of the things that a record shattering car should not look like. It is just too... swoopy, in my mind, to effectively raise the feeling of awe and fear that a hyper-car should in a person. Plus, have you seen the guts of one of these whales? It's like sitting down inside of a debutante's Gucci handbag. Look at the front of the Veyron, it even looks like it's asking "What have I become?"

#2Chevrolet Camaro ZL1$56,000

Someone call Michael Bay and let him know he chose the wrong car to be the hero in his Transformer movies. I don't know what is about this car, but it is just terrible. Maybe it's the fact that for $2,000 dollars less you could go buy a Mustang GT 500. Maybe it's the fact that I stopped liking Hotwheelz when I was seven. Either way I look at this, all I see when I look at the ZL1 is a cheap, plastic-y and overwrought wasted effort. Ford had it right when they revived the Mustang's classic muscle car looks, and I feel that Chevy would have been better off had they followed suit. Muscle cars are SUPPOSED to be the dumb jocks of the car world, so why would you waste your time trying force inject a little space-age into them? It probably doesn't help that every time I see a Camaro it's decked-out in a coat of PeePee-Yellow paint, or that I pretty much exclusively see high-school freshmen/40 year old midlife-crisis-ers driving them, complete with the imitation Ray Bans and douche-lean (you know what I'm talking about, how they lean against the driver side door with their right arm draped over the steering wheel and have their left hand gripping the shift knob even though it's an AUTOMATIC).

#1SmartCar Pure Coupe$13,000

It's small, it's underpowered, it's ugly, and it looks like a child's shoe. Do I really have to elaborate more?

Special Edition: Top Three

It's part 1 of a special TGTBTU post, dear readers! Today's topic is the Top Three cars that I personally can't wait to have in my garage. It's my version of automotive fantasy football, you might say. So, let's kick off with my number 1 most wanted car....

1st Place
Hennessey Venom GT
$1,200,000

The Hennessey Venom GT. My, my, what a machine. The gear-heads at Hennessey Performance Engineering (famous for taking stupid fast cars and making them even more stupid fast) sure know how to get my motor churning. They took the chassis and body of a Lotus Exige, tweaked it almost beyond the point of recognition, then threw away everything else. In place of the standard Exige power-plant, they dropped in a colossal 7.0 liter twin-turbocharged V8 sourced from the Chevy Corvette C6 ZR1, which they then tweaked to produce an absolutely ground-shattering 1,200 horsepower. Sound like a bit too much to handle? Never fear my friends, because Hennessey also installed a three-option driver control setting, allowing the driver to select the engine output from the full 1,200 hp to 1,000 hp, or for the driver who is feeling sensible, a meager 800 hp. Of course, when combined with the lightweight carbon fiber body panels, race-spec rims and 6 speed manual transmission, even the low 800 hp setting is enough to send this monster to 60 mph in 2.8 seconds. Did I mention that the top speed is allegedly 272 mph? I say allegedly because Hennessey has yet to find a driver with testes dense enough to attempt a top speed run. This car made my number one spot because it it pure, unhindered speed and mechanical wizardy all wrapped up in a body that you could cut the fabric of time open with. I suppose that it is also a plus that it can beat out the fat, bulbous Veyron (which, for the record, I loathe). 

     

2nd Place
Lexus LFA
$400,000

Clocking in at a close second is the fantastic Lexus LFA. The LFA is what happens when you lock a group of talented automotive designers in a room and give them free reign to dream up and execute a car built on nothing but a desire to create distilled awesome.Two of my favorite bits about this car are the fact that somehow the eggheads at Lexus managed to create an in-house 555 hp 4.8 liter V10 that is the size of a V8 but only weighs as much as a V6, and that that same engine revs so hard and so quickly that they had to design a custom digital rev-counter because there was no normal analogue rev-counter that could keep pace with how fast the LFA gains and loses revs. That is how insane this baby is. They literally had to make a brand new measuring tool just to accommodate for the numbers the LFA generates. The Lexus is clad in carbon fiber, as one would expect, making the curb weight a frighteningly low 1,580 pounds. So, it is essentially a jet engine that weighs about as much as a toaster-oven. Top speed is 202 mph, and the zero to sixty time comes in at 3 seconds dead, all the while sounding like a true-blooded Fromula 1 racer (thanks to a Yamaha tuned exhaust system). All this from a car that was originally meant to be a test-bed, science fair project. 

3rd Place
Ford VelociRaptor F-150
$51,000

All right, this one might need a small amount of justification. I'm sure that many of you will look at my third choice and wonder if I really know what I'm talking about, but I promise you, this truck is worth a look, and deserving of my number 3 spot. The Ford SVT Raptor is less of a pickup truck and more of a finely tuned dune racer. It's got a 6.2 liter V8 that cranks out a respectable 411 horses. That is, unless you give it over to those gurus at Hennessey Performance Engineering. Toss another 8 grand at them and they will take your standard issue Raptor, replace the intake and exhaust systems, re-tune the engine computer and heap on another 65 horsepower for a total of 476 hp (there is also a twin-turbo option). Compared to the other cars on this list, that doesn't sound like much. However, you have to remember that this is a truck, one that was specifically designed to eat up sand dunes and terrorize the off road circuit, so 476 hp may as well be Lamborghini levels of power. This car is what you want went the zombie apocalypse rolls along, as nothing short of a nuclear blast can stop it. And let's be real, it does have a sex appeal of it's own in that cousin-loving, snake-skin boots and dirt-doughnuts sort of way.

  

    

Porsche Power, Fun-Size NSX, and Black Box Warning

The Good

Alright, before we get started I must confess that this Good section is motivated purely by my own personal interest in this particular car. That being said, it is a pretty sweet @%$#ing car.The 2014 Porsche 918 Spyder is due lurch into production at exactly 9:18 a.m. on September 18, 2013. Oh, and they will limit production to 918 cars a year. Strange, I feel like there is some sort of pattern there... Anyways, this thing is going to be all sorts of nuts. The performance figures on this beast are pretty titanic, but more on that in a moment. First, I would like a mental round of applause for Porsche for FINALLY making a car that doesn't look like a clone of... Well, of every other Porsche that has ever been created. Let's be honest here, if you took every Porsche in the current line-up and looked at them from the front you'd see that THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME. The 911, the Boxster, the Cayman, the Panamera, even the Cayenne all look like five identical twins (with the Cayenne being the fat one). Not since their last super-car effort, the Carrera GT, has Porsche managed to make car that truly looks unique.Low, lean and mean, with just a hint of Ferrari thrown in, the 918 Spyder is a delight to look upon. Now the figures. The 918 Spyder clocks a 0-60 time of a tad less than three seconds thanks to a 770-bhp electric hybrid engine. You read correctly, my friends, an electric-hybrid super-car. This power comes from 4.6 liter V8, aided by two electric motors and a lithium-ion battery layout. All of this for the reasonable price of $500,000. So you get super-car performance when you want it, and gas mileage that rivals many current family sedans when you don't. In short, a car that even a tree-hugger can drool over.

  

The Bad

Some things in life are best enjoyed by themselves. A Wagyu steak for example, or a glass of 1787 Chateau Lefite. These things were meant to be rare and valuable and exclusive, a stand-alone paragon in their respective classes. Much like the forth-coming 2015 Acura NSX. Acura has long been in need of a car that brings a little life to their family-oriented (and quite frankly rather ugly) lines of upper-middle-class family sedans. Hence the NSX, a $100,000, 400 hp shot of wild fun that one would think would become the new thoroughbred for Acura. Alas, as with many things, Acura has decided to muddle the gene-pool by announcing that they intend to release a "Mini-NSX" sometime around 2017. This Mini-NSX will only cost around $60,000, and will most likely have a spirited 3.5 liter V6, and is by no means ugly. However, that is not the point. The Mini-NSX just takes something away from the exclusivity and glamour of the big-boy NSX. It's like opting to buy your wife a necklace made from the finest costume jeweler around when you could have (and probably should have) bought her that rare black-pearl necklace she has been wanting. Sure it is a work of art in it's own right but... It just isn't the same. I can't help but wonder why Acura didn't just hand the plans for the Mini-NSX over to Honda and let them resurrect the brilliant S2000. After all, Honda could use some color in its lineup as well. 

The Ugly

There is no way of putting this gently, dear readers. The United States Congress wants to go all Patriot Act on you and your automotive driving habits.  Bill S. 1813:MAP-21 will most likely be passed into law sooner than we would like it to be. Essentially the bill would make it mandatory for all cars in the United States to have an Event Data Recorder as a standard feature. The EDR is much the same as the infamous "Black Boxes" that commercial airliners and helicopters have in them. for those of you unfamiliar with the Black Boxes, they are nigh-indestructible little computers housed in nigh-indestructible casings (aka Black Boxes)  that take all of the data from your car's various sensors and computers and commit that information to memory. Congress states that this is to aid law enforcement in accident investigation, but let's not be kidding ourselves. This means that the Black Boxes can be used to see where you have driven, how long you've stayed at a given location and many other such privacy-hindering details. Of course, for now, this information  can only be viewed by the authorities if you get yourself into an accident, but who knows how long it will take before on-board Black Boxes become a government version of the Apple user agreement (if you don't understand that reference, I highly encourage you to read it). The full synopsis of the bill can be read here, and a more entertaining version from our friends at Jalopnik can be found here. And remember, Big Brother is watching you!

Arizona Auction, Tesla Troubles, and A Good Man Gone

The Good

Pop quiz, dear readers. What is better than being face-to-face with a beautiful, functioning piece of automotive history? Being face-to-face with MANY pieces of beautiful, functioning pieces of automotive history. RM Auctions, a premier action house for fine, high-end, rare, unique and otherwise incredibly expensive cars, will be holding an auction on January 18th, 2013 at the Biltmore Resort in Phoenix, Arizona. Present at this event will be 80 gorgeous collector's vehicles from all over the map, and from all walks of automotive history. What's that, you ask? Can I give you some more specifics about the cars? Why, it would be my pleasure, dear readers. There will be an all-original 1960 Ferrari 250 GT SWB Berlinetta, designed by the renowned Sergio Scaglietti, who some readers may recognize as Enzo Ferrari's trusted design manager. There will also be a fire-engine red 1955 Mercedes-Benz 300SL Gullwing, widely regarded as one of the coolest and most elegant cars ever created. The list goes on for miles and miles, and I encourage you to check out the full list here. For me, the highlight of this auction has got to be the original 1965 Ford GT40, which dominated the 24 Hours of Le Mans four years straight from 1966-1969 and was the spiritual predecessor to the fantastic Ford GT90. As exciting as all of this metal eye-candy is, I wouldn't start booking flights to Arizona. Unless you are either looking to spend big or heist big, that is. That GT40 I just mentioned? Well, that is expected to go at the auction for $3,000,000. Give or take a few hundred grand.

The Bad

Oh Tesla, you glorious, insane underdog. Tesla Motors, the independent automaker famous for creating the brilliant but problematic all-electric Tesla Roadster, has hatched a new scheme that seems destined to flop, or at least lose investors a hefty chunk of change. The problem with all-electric cars is that there are not many of them on the roads. Naturally, this creates a problem as far as finding a charge-station goes. Why bother setting up a decent network of charge-stations when there aren't enough cars out there to justify the cost? Elon Musk, Tesla's CEO, and his team think that they have the answer. Or, the start of one at least. Tesla has opened five direct-current charging stations (creatively dubbed "Superchargers") around some of California's most-used highways. Hopefully, you can see the hitch in this plan. Since Tesla is such a small company, they have extremely limited resources, which translates into baby-steps as far as furthering their electric agenda goes. Hence, the tiny number of stations that they can open without going bankrupt. Imagine this. You are driving your electric car along the California coast-line when you see that you are about out of juice. So, you roll in to one of these exciting new Supercharging stations, only to find that there are 5 other cars in line for a charge. With traditional gas pumps this would be, at worst, an annoyance. However, when you consider that it takes 30-40 minutes to fully fill an electric car, this becomes a day-ruining catastrophe. Nobody, and I do mean NOBODY, wants to wait around at a pump for two and a half hours JUST TO GET THEIR TURN TO FILL THEIR CAR. I wish Tesla all the best with their endeavor, and I hope that you, dear readers, will as well. They will be needing it.

   

The Ugly

The sad fact of life is that one way or another, everyone dies. This is the way of the world, dear readers. SO, for those of you unaware, on September 28th, 2012, one of the automotive world's greats passed away. Chris Economaki, editor for 60 years at National Speed Sport News, ABC Sport Race-event broadcaster, ESPN Formula-1 commentator and Army veteran, died at age 91. This man was the embodiment of the American motor-head, and a leading light for those car-lovers who grew up in his era as well as for the younger readers among us. So, dear readers, give a hug to those you love and tell them how much they mean to you, because you never know when your ways will part. But make sure that when your time comes, be it at a ripe old age like Chris, or a younger age like Mr. James Dean, you are taken doing something you love. So, moment of silence for Mr. Christopher Constantine Economaki, Godfather of the motor-heads.

Russian Arms Race, Ford Makes Fireballs, and Mercedes-Benz Makes Hotwheelz

The Good 
The car world is much like a real world arms race. Some companies have been riding the highest technological waves since the beginning, dominating the automotive world in terms of performance  innovation and creativity. Others have struggled to keep pace, but have managed to keep themselves firmly planted in up-to-date design and out-of-the-box invention. Some have been lost in the proverbial Stone-Age, barely figuring out that just because it has four wheels and an engine doesn't mean it qualifies as a car. So, dear readers, I am pleased to announce that our comrades in Russia have finally tossed aside their bronze swords in favor of steel ones. In this case, 420 horsepower steel. The reds have thrown their bets on the table in the form of the Marussia B2, a $310,000 hunk of brute, Cold-War power. Designed to look like (apparently) a cross between a MiG-17 fighter and a granite-jawed Spetznaz operator, the B2 comes in a 300 bhp flavor thanks to a 3.5 liter engine sourced from Nissan, or the obviously superior 420 bhp twin turbo Cosworth lump ( remember kids, more power equal better in my personal dictionary). Not too much is known about this sexy beast as it it currently in prototype stages, but it certainly looks the part of supercar contender!

The Bad

Ok, first off, I swear that I am not picking on Ford. In fact, I love a lot of the work that Ford has done as an automotive company. It's just that, you know... Ford has a tendency to cock things up in a really bad way sometimes. What could they have done that would land them in the "Bad" section for the second day running? Try the massive recall order they were forced to send out recalls for 89,000 of their 2013 Escapes and Fusions, after it was discovered that many of the models with Ford's 1.6 liter 4 banger engines in them had a slight pre-disposition to overheating. Overheating, in this instance, means that they like to unexpectedly erupt into unconrollable fires. Ford had yet to determine the cause of this little oversight, but they have issued a warning. Anyone who is driving a 2013 Ford Escape or Ford Fusion (with the 1.6 liter engine), please be on the lookout for these messages popping up on your instrument cluster; "Engine Power Reduced to Lower Temps" or "Engine over temp, stop safely". If you see either one of these messages, pull over, call AAA and get that thing checked out. Or risk scorching off your lower body and drive it to your dealership. I'm not your mother, so make your own calls I guess.

The Ugly

Wow. Has anyone besides myself noticed the disturbing trend in the automotive world where designers seem to be on a mission  to make cars exclusively for the Hotwheelz collection? Seriously, look at the new-gen Camaro, the new-gen Challenger, the 2015 Mustang, ect. Do  you know who was behind the design of each of those cars? I certainly don't, but whoever it was, they seem to venting crushed childhood dreams into their designs. Pictured below is the Mercedes-Benz Ener-G-Force (SEE!?! WHO ELSE CLUMSILY NAMES A CAR SOMETHING THAT ABSURD IF NOT A SIX YEAR OLD??)  concept. Two things you might notice right away. First, it is god-awful fugly. It is a Hummer with a Merc nose, a completely useless ski-rack on the roof, and what is either a line of windshield mounted trail-lights or a row of air cannons which you can use to pummel your friends with a barrage of comically over-sized Nerf darts. Hey, just look at this thing. You know that makes all the sense in the world. Second, yes, those gargantuan wheels are made out of the same hard plastic that your sister had on her pink Malibu Barbie Powerwheels Corvette. This is due in large part to the Ener-G-Force being a concept car in the purest sense. It is HIGHLY unlikely that this car will ever see a production run. Yes this car has some cool features, like a self-mapping topography system that maps out the terrain and adjusts the suspension accordingly, or like each wheel hub having it's own independent electric motor for when you need to navigate some really tough terrain, or like a conceptualized engine that runs on nothing but water vapor and gets 500 miles a tank... Fine, you got me, all of that sounds pretty awesome. But, Mercedes, if you ever implement any of those neat little gizmos, try your best to stick them in a car that wasn't dreamed up by someone who still watches the Power Rangers. 

BMW Beast, Ford Failure, and Bugatti Loses It's &*@#ing Mind.

First off...

A Happy Belated Thanksgiving to you all, dear readers! Or, for any of you in Canada or Europe, Happy Belated Regular Thursday! And let's not forget, to all you Native readers, Happy Belated Genocidal White Invaders Day! Let's jump into it, shall we?

The Good

The BMW M6 is here!! Well, the M6 has actually been out for a while, but not like this. Those crazy Germans at AC Schnitzer tuning company have just released their take on the newer F12/F13 M6, and they have a laundry list of fun tweaks available. On the cosmetics side, their M6 comes geared up with new, aerodynamically sculpted front and back fascias as well as side skirts (made of lightweight carbon fiber, of course). You also get flared fender arches for that nice aggressive look, new forward mounted side vents and four sweet looking 20 inch deep-dish racing rims. Cosmetics aside, they have also tinkered about with the engine. All non-performance parts have been swapped out with lighter,  race-oriented tech-goodies taking their place. The standard twin-turbocharged 4.4 liter V8 has been upped to a massive 6.0 liter twin-turbo behemoth and comes with a complimentary high-output max flow exhaust system that will shake the heavens and shatter champagne glasses with a liberal helping of pedal stomping. Prices are on a call as needed basis, so it won't come cheap. Somehow, I feel that the added smiles and adrenaline that come with the AC Schnitzer package will be worth it. 

The Bad

Oh Ford, you can't just a good thing go on for too long, can you? That right dear readers, I am sorry to announce that after a brilliant run of powerful yet affordable Mustang muscle, Ford has decided to spit once again in our collective eye. The planned 2015 Ford Mustang is an exercise in practicality, blandness and disappointment. An updated body style clumsily meshes muscular lines with a chunky, Ford Fusion-esque hood and face, and a grille from a baby Aston Martin. When will they understand that modern isn't always better? The Mustang has always been a classic because it stubbornly refuses to learn new tricks. It knows how to go fast in straight lines, and it belongs to those types of people who treat every stoplight as an obligation to race the mini-van full of children to the next light. What's worse is that Ford has decided to effectively neuter the base model, dropping the standard V6 and putting in a (this will tough to read, and I encourage the weak of heart to stop now) FOUR CYLINDER ECOBOOST powerplant. Sure, it's got a turbo on it, but let's be real, that is the automotive equivalent of feeding a quadriplegic a bottle of Viagra. You might feel something happening if you close your eyes and focus rreeaalllyyy hard, but ultimately you have accomplished nothing. For the love of all that is holy, pull up Ford, PULL UP!

   The Ugly

You have all heard the expression "Like letting a bull in a China shop". Bugatti ( along with a company famous for making tea-pots) has decided to up those stakes by creating a bull made out of fine China. At 1,000 bhp, this particular bull happens to be on methamphetamine. The Bugatti Veyron L'Or Blanc is a standard Veyron layout that has a body made out of porcelain. This special one-off creation clocks in at a staggering 1.6 million dollars, which quite frankly is about 1.6 million dollars too much for the world's most fragile (and probably un-insurable) car. Suddenly, speed bumps become a war crime. A hard breeze might as well be a terrorist with an AK-47. Hell, even starting this car without some sort of disaster occurring has worse odds than playing a normal game of Russian Roulette. This thing is a Faberge egg strapped to an artillery shell.

      

Welcome, one and all, to TGTBTU Auto Blog!

An Introduction

Hello and welcome, dearest readers! My name is Zach, and this The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly auto-blog. Here you will find my deepest thoughts and inner-most musings on all things automobile related. Naturally, the biggest topic will be automobile news and announcements. However, as automobiles have found their way into many different aspects of life, you will find that my discussions may make detours into the realms of movies, music and video games as well (only if there is a car of note, of course). Now, since bloggers have a notoriously low level of attention span, I have decided to break my blogs up into three parts or categories to maximize your enjoyment. The first section is.....

 The Good

...where I will pick a particular car or a particularly good piece of automotive news to share with you all and expound on my personal thoughts on the matter. Let's pick a theoretical example. Assume for a moment, dear readers, that Ford has announced that they will be starting production on a brand new iteration of the Ford GT-40. This is fantastic news. I would share with you the price, the performance facts and figures, images (if available) and a brief history of the original GT-40, all to keep you in the "know". I would then proceed to babble on about how much I love the way the car looks, how excited I am to take one out for a test drive, and other fan-boy nonsense. Hey, it's my blog, and I'll gush if I want to. The next section would be...

The Bad

...where I share with you something that is, for motorheads at least, not so awesome. Let's say that Chevy is releasing a new Corvette. That is powered by a turbo-charged 2.0 liter four-banger. I shudder just writing that hypothetical, as would most car-lovers. Yes, the Bad section is essentially the obituary of this blog, were all things under-powered, cancelled, or otherwise negative are doomed to appear. The final section is...

The Ugly

...where I will post the most awfully designed, poorly imagined or just all-around-terrible cars I can find. This  section is where I (and hopefully some of you as well) will unleash a little bit of frustration at the many poor choices that auto-industry makes. A remake of the Gremlin? Ugly worthy material. Aston Martin shutting down production of all supercars in order to exclusively make SUV's? Oh yeah, Ugly material. 

In Summary

This place is for all of us, dear readers. My aim is to inform you, and hopefully entertain you all along the way. We all have opinions about something, and if that "something" happens to be cars for you, then you will fit right in here. I plan on writing for you all once a day from now until you all move on to bigger and better things. So please, read, comment and enjoy the forthcoming stories! I look forward to sharing this automotive journey with all of you!